By L. Lowell
Tina DeMattia, is 36 years old and has one child. She just earned her Marriage and Family Therapy license after completing 3000 hours of internship and two written licensing exams.
During my pregnancy, I was finishing up an internship, and working a private practice to become a psychotherapist. I had supervision twice a week, group therapy and individual therapy once a week. Needless to say, I had a lot of emotional support! I took great pride in my clothes and make-up and got my hair and nails done on a regular basis. While I have struggled with my weight my whole life, I have always tried to look as good as I could at whatever weight. I loved being pregnant because I didn't have to hide.
After I had my son, I was overwhelmed with how I felt about him; how inadequate I felt as a mother and how disgusting I thought I looked. I went into survival mode, and I didn't care about my appearance anymore. I came dangerously close to becoming the "weird pajama lady." I felt depressed and isolated. If I showered and ate everyday it was a miracle. We ate take-out almost every night and I didn't wear anything without an elastic waistband. All of my attention was on my baby and how to take care of him.
To be honest, I actually loved the idea of staying in my jammies all day, shuffling around in my slippers doing the "coffee fuckaround" endlessly. This goes by many names, but basically it is when you have your first cup of coffee at 8 a.m., next thing you know, it is 1 p.m. You've drained the coffee pot, you haven't showered or done anything in particular. You swear the clock is wrong; it is almost like a time warp. There was a point when I realized I had let myself go—emotionally and physically.
My regular emotional support system was gone, along with my hygiene. My TV addiction had peaked to a new low. I was obsessed with TLC's "Baby Story" and two different make over shows. I was astounded by how many makeovers were dedicated to helping working moms get their groove back. I thought to myself, oh my God, those poor women. What happened to them that they forgot about themselves? Then I caught the expression on the mailman's face when I greeted him with yet another tardy bill to go out. "What's his problem?" I thought. Then I went inside. It was 2 p.m., I hadn't brushed my hair, I was wearing my glasses, Christmas pajama bottoms (in June,) with a stained sweatshirt and slippers. "Oh, I am one of those women now" (And I have to go back to work next week!).
I called other working mothers for advice. Most of them said, "I don't have time for that besides, who would watch my children?" I went back to my therapy group and asked my friends for support and help. I felt guilty at first, but then I asked my husband to watch OUR child so I could go shopping and get my hair and nails done. At that point, it did not feel frivolous to me, it was necessary. After I had completed my own makeover, I felt so much better about myself. I vowed to never let myself go ever again.
When I went back to work, I felt more confident again, and I was grateful for a reason to shower, put myself together and activate a different part of my brain. I remember that my nanny complimented the fact that I always put myself together. She mentioned that the other mothers she worked for run out of the house wearing whatever, with wet hair, no make-up and coffee. I thanked her and smiled to myself.
It feels important to me to help other mothers realize that taking care of yourself is just as important as taking care of others. What we wear and what we look like says a lot about who we think we are and how we are doing. I encourage all working mothers to ask for help, eat right, exercise, sleep, get massages, get your hair and nails done and spend some money on some clothes that fit and make you feel good. You are worth it!
As excerpted from "42 Rules (tm) for Working Moms" Super Star Press, 2008.
Laura Lowell is the executive editor and author of "42 Rules for Working Moms." She has gathered practical advice and information from working moms all over the world to share with others. She lives and works in Silicon Valley with her husband and two girls. http://www.42rules.com/working_moms/index
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