By Robert Najemy
Here I will mention some of the major conflicts I have noticed in counseling relationship partners and families over the years. You may find a little of yourself in some of these descriptions.
Women generally complain that their spouses:
a. Do not pay enough attention to them.
b. Do not communicate what they are feeling or thinking.
c. Are not affectionate enough.
d. Are overly focused on their work.
e. Do not treat them as equals.
f. In sex, tend to be quick and premature in their orgasms.
g. Are not sensitive and understanding.
h. Are not home often enough.
i. Do not appreciate the work in the home or reimburse them for it.
j. Make decisions about work and life without regarding woman's & families needs.
k. Are not monogamous and create parallel relationships.
While men generally complain that women:
a. Want to talk too much.
b. Complain and criticize them frequently.
c. Try to suppress their (the men's) personal freedom, usually by complaining, nagging or criticizing.
d. Do not reason logically.
e. Are never happy.
f. Withhold sex for personal and sometime vindictive reasons.
g. Are overly emotional with moods that change from one moment to the next.
h. Are unpredictable,
i. Tend to Gossip
j. Are not faithful in some cases.
k. Are not home enough.
l. Are not sufficiently taking care of home.
The differing needs and ways in which men and women think, feel and behave often lead to misunderstandings and conflicts. These problems can be excellent growth situations if handled maturely and lovingly. If not, they can lead to chronic conflict, isolation or separation.
Let us now look at some of the more common relationship conflicts. Our different needs, or more often, our different ways of satisfying those needs, bring us into conflict as to how we should live, act or interact. It is very common for two or more people who have exactly the same needs to have different perceptions as to how they can or should fulfill those needs.
Let us look at some examples.
WHO IS RIGHT?
Most of the games and roles we will discuss further on are also in some way related to this question of "who is right." It is difficult for most people to realize that we can differ in our ways of thinking, acting, and approaching life and still both be "right." We believe there must be only one right way. Because of this, we feel the need to change the other, to make him or her perceive and approach life in the same manner we do. We fear that if the other's way is right, then ours must be wrong. It seldom dawns on us that the other's way could be right for him or her and ours could be right for us, that we can live harmoniously with this difference, and that there is no need to change him or her so as to prove we are right.
This is an extremely important point. Although we seem to fight over such matters as cleanliness, communication, discipline or freedom, in reality, what is most often important to us is determining "who is right." We want the other to accept our point not so much so as to fulfill a need or value, but because we are convinced that winning this case will make us "right."
This complicates matters even more because in some cases we are not discussing or arguing about the real needs or issues. We may be talking about our beliefs regarding how to bring up our children, but our actual need is self-verification through the other's admission that we are right and the other is wrong. We are not talking about our real need, i.e. self-affirmation or self-confidence, and thus we cannot find any solution for the problem because we do not realize what the real problem is.
This may not be true in every case, but it is in a large number of cases and we would do well to search within in order to determine how much, if at all, our problem is infiltrated by this need for affirmation. In such cases, we will need to cultivate greater self-confidence and self-acceptance so we can free ourselves from this need for approval through such games that are destructive to our relationships and to our own happiness. (The book "The Psychology of Happiness" will be of help in this effort..)
Let us keep the above point in mind as we look at some of the more common conflicts that infiltrate our personal and professional relationships.
(See part 2)
Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach with 30 years of experience, is the author of over 20 books, 600 articles and 400 lectures on Human Harmony. Download wonderful ebooks, 100's of free articles, courses, and mp3 audio lectures at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. Find 8 of his books at http://www.Amazon.com.
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