By Robert Najemy
It is not easy for most of us to love those who intentionally or even unintentionally obstruct us or our loved ones from fulfilling our needs. We naturally feel frustration, bitterness and anger.
Our basic needs are:
a. To be safe and secure from physical danger in the present and in the future.
b. To enjoy the pleasures of the senses.
c. To be accepted by others - to be a part of some group.
d. To be respected and admired - to be someone special in that group.
e. To have power (control) over our environment - to be the boss.
f. To love and be loved.
g. To create, to produce.
h. To grow, learn, and understand; mature on all levels of our being.
i. To experience unity with all.
The pain we feel when we cannot fulfill our needs is a result of our attachment to those needs. When the attachment becomes intense, and dominates our every day life, it becomes an addiction. Each addiction is a source of pain. We believe that we must have certain persons, objects, pleasures or situations in order to feel worthy, happy, secure, and free. The source of our pain and anger is our addiction to what we believe we "must" have.
We lose our peace and love to the degree that we are dependent on that specific need. If we free ourselves from the attachment, then we will not lose our love. If we do not need approval or security from others, we will not lose our love for them, when they represent "obstacles".
We are not suggesting letting go of approval, security or freedom but rather the need for something outside ourselves in order to feel them. We need approval and security and freedom when we do not have them. We do not need what we already have and cannot have what we need. Need is based on the absence of something. The feeling of needing is the opposite of having. So as long as we need something, we cannot have it.
What we propose is to cultivate within ourselves feelings of approval, security and freedom based on our being itself and not what we can get from outside. When we are free from doubt about our self-worth, security and freedom, then we have self worth, security and freedom and do not need some specific behavior from others in order to feel well. Then we can love them, regardless of their behavior.
There are times however, when our lesson is to become more effective and assertive in getting our needs fulfilled. This will be discussed.
As you will remember from the chapter on how we create our reality, the fact that others can appear to obstruct our need fulfillment is simply a test we ourselves as souls have selected in order to create the opportunity to develop inner virtues and spiritual qualities. We have, however, free will and can choose to ignore the lesson and remain in our bitterness, feelings of injustice and anger or hate. Love is a choice.
The perception that others at times appear to be obstacles to our happiness or the cause of our pain is based on the illusion that others can create our reality and have the power to act outside the governing laws of the universe.
Yet, as Apostle Paul has written, "not a hair on one's head can move with out God allowing it."
All events pleasant and unpleasant are occurring because:
a. The universe is allowing the event.
b. The event is the natural result of our previous choices, present thought process and the lessons we have chosen to learn at this moment.
c. The event, in some way, serves our evolutionary process.
d. We are attracting the event and have something to learn and gain through dealing with it.
Possible soul lessons
Some of the possible lessons we have chosen on the soul level to learn when we are unable to get our needs satisfied, include:
a. We may need to realize that the others are not purposely obstructing us, but simply living their lives according to their needs, programming, fears or problems. They do not intend obstruct or harm us.
b. We may have decided as souls that it is time to get free from our attachment to this specific need, such as approval, security or freedom through some specific behavior or situation. Our lesson may be to upgrade the attachment to a preference so that we can be happy even when we cannot satisfy it.
Note about attachments and preferences: A preference allows us to be happy when we have it, but not experience pain when we do not. An addiction, or attachment, creates pain when we do not. In fact when we have an addiction to someone or something, we seldom can really enjoy it, because we live in fear of losing it. When we fear losing our loved one and never actually enjoy him or her, we feel anxiety that we may not be able to get or keep what we are attached to and jealous of those who have what we want and of course, anger and hate towards those who "obstruct us".
Thus our lesson may be to let go of the attachment that is preventing us from loving those who might appear to be obstructing us. We may need to ask ourselves, which is more important, this need or loving that person. Of course, loving another does not mean that we do not also ask for the behaviors we need to be happy.
c. We may need to learn to have more self-respect and self-confidence and dynamically and assertively communicate with those around us concerning our needs and how we deserve to have them respected. The lesson then is to communicate more effectively.
In learning to communicate more effectively, we need to avoid the traps of ineffective communication:
i. Not communicating at all.
ii. Threatening, criticizing, blaming
iii. Playing the role of the victim - the poor me.
We need to learn communicate clearly our:
i. Needs
ii. Why they are important to us.
iii. How we feel when they are not met or respected
iv. What practical problems are created for us when our needs are not met - loss of time, money, energy, peace etc.
Learn more about effective communication at:
www.HolisticHarmony.com/archives/imessages/
d. We may emit subconscious beliefs or fears that prevent our needs from being fulfilled. Some might be:
i. I am unworthy to have this.
ii. I do not deserve happiness.
iii. If I get what I want here, I might lose something else important, such as freedom. self-worth, security etc.
Others then are mirroring our own subconscious obstacles and behaving in ways that obstruct the fulfillment of our needs. In such a case, we will need to free ourselves from self-limiting subconscious beliefs.
5. The problem might be in our behavior, which could be inviting others to behave in the ways that they do.
If we do not respect them, they might not respect us.
If we ignore their needs, they might do the same.
If we play the role of the superior, the intimidator, the interrogator, the aloof, the child or the victim we may be provoking others to behave in similar or opposite ways.
If we do not respect ourselves or our needs, other will not be inspired to respect us.
Thus we might need to alter our behavior towards ourselves or others in order to create an atmosphere that allows others to respond to our needs.
In conclusion, we can love others when they appear to be obstacles to fulfilling our needs, when we:
a. Understand that others are just doing what the universe is allowing them to do.
b. Understand that life is giving us this experience in order to learn and grow.
c. Learn our lesson.
d. Forgive and love others.
Robert Elias Najemy, a life coach with 30 years of experience, is the author of over 20 books, 600 articles and 400 lectures on Human Harmony. Download wonderful ebooks, 100's of free articles, courses, and mp3 audio lectures at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. Find 8 of his books at http://www.Amazon.com.
Source:www.isnare.com |
