By Lindy Letterall
All couples argue from time to time. It's usually just harmless bickering, perhaps because of tiredness or stress, and resolves itself quickly enough. However, if you and your partner find yourselves arguing all the time, perhaps it's time to consider whether there are deeper issues at the root cause of your conflicts. On the surface, your arguments may seem to be about money, children, sex, household chores or work (these are the most common themes), but these may not be the real issues – they may simply be the symptom of more serious underlying problems in your relationship. If you think this could be the case, read on to find out how to deal with it.
Sometimes arguments about money, work, children and household chores really boil down to insecurity about roles and responsibilities in the relationship. Perhaps it's time to sit down together and redefine your mutual expectations of what your roles are and what you want them to be. Make changes if necessary.
Arguments about sex are often a cry for attention and affection. The most common gripe is about how often you have sex. If your sex drives just don't match up, there's plenty you can do to keep each other feeling loved and satisfied without having sex. Just cuddling in bed or on the couch, giving each other a massage, kissing more often or holding hands can provide enough physical affection and you might be surprised at just how intimate and romantic such little gestures can be. Sometimes they even lead to unexpected, spontaneous sex!
Sometimes just your style of arguing can heighten the tension and cause even the smallest of disputes to escalate. If you're highly defensive by nature, you may take things very personally and see the smallest of comments as an attack. If you're the type of person who's afraid of conflict and will avoid it at all costs, you may be inclined to keep the peace with your partner on the surface, but your unresolved issues are therefore likely to build up inside you until they eventually lead to an eruption of anger, frustration and resentment. Some people prefer the silent treatment, going in the huff or nagging and griping until gradually the other person senses their unhappiness. Others like to feel that they're always right and are very competitive and domineering – to them an argument is about winning or losing, and so they will do whatever it takes to win. None of these types of arguing are ever constructive are will just aggravate the problem. The best style of managing conflict and anger is to negotiate. Listen to each other, be patient, try to understand the other perspective and aim to come to a compromise that is mutually acceptable. You'll feel all the better for it. When you're arguing, also bear the following tips in mind:
If you know you're tired, grumpy or unwell, don't get into an argument in the first place. Leave your discussion until your mood is better.
Don't interrupt, speak over your partner or shout.
Express your feelings openly. Frame the issue by talking about how you feel, not about how you think your partner should feel or behave.
Remember what you're arguing about – don't go off on a tangent and start dragging other issues into it. Remain focused. If there are other issues, these need to be dealt with separately.
Keep things in perspective. What are you actually getting so heated about? Impassioned debates about who forgot to set the timer on the video or how many chocolates you have just eaten – that's just silly.
Try to see things from your partner's point of view. This may also help you to understand whether there are any deeper issues involved.
Don't drag other people into it – ‘Bob agrees with me' or ‘My sister thinks I'm right too'. It makes no difference what anyone else thinks – the issue is between the two of you.
Don't make sweeping generalisations such as ‘it's always me who has to empty the bin' or ‘you never sweep the floor'. They're not helpful and you're bound to be caught out.
Don't humiliate or put down your partner. Their opinion is as valid as yours. You love each other and should therefore respect each other.
Don't let it get personal, for example by hurling random insults at each other. This is just negative, abusive and irrelevant. Keep your discussion constructive. Telling your partner that they are a complete killjoy won't do much to persuade them to go to a party with you!
If things get too heated or you just end up going round in circles, call it off and agree to resume your discussion when you've both had time to relax and think about it.
Remember that arguing is natural. We all do it from time to time as we all have our own feelings, beliefs and opinions which won't always be compatible with each other. As long as you are open and discuss your differences in a calm, rational and patient manner, without seeing the argument as a ‘win or lose' situation, your relationship should remain happy and healthy. It's actually a more worrying sign if you never have any arguments. On the face of it, it may seem as if you have the perfect relationship, but this probably belies a whole host of differences and conflicts that are left to brew up inside you both for the sake of keeping the peace. Such relationships are destined for trouble. It's a pressure cooker effect – sooner or later one of you will reach bursting point, by which time the issues and will be much more serious and the consequences could be disastrous.
A final note: arguments may become heated and verbally aggressive, but they should never become physically violent and abusive. If your arguments do escalate into domestic violence, seek help urgently. You are not alone in suffering from this and there is plenty of support to help you. Confide in family or friends, or if you don't feel comfortable with this, get in touch with a women's charity, a counselling organisation such as Relate or your local social services.
About the Author: Lindy Letterall - Website: http://www.yourlovelife.co.uk
Lindy Letterall is anagony aunt. She's currently writing articles for Your Love Life.
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