By CD Mohatta
A boundary is different from an agreement. You don't need the other person to agree to your boundaries. They don't even have to know what your boundaries are, unless they are crossed. Your boundary is something, that you know, if that line is crossed, you will address the matter immediately so that it is remedied, and if it is not resolved to your satisfaction, you will act by removing yourself from the situation so that you are not subjected to it again.
An example:
Say there is a woman named Marjorie, who has often been lied to in past relationships. They were big lies. It gives her great pain, remembering this. She knows that lies are not something she can tolerate in relationships. She hates the feeling of distrust, and the betrayal that lies cause in the relationship.
She enters a new relationship. They are in love. One day though, he says a small lie because he's afraid that if he tells the truth it will hurt her. This is common -- the well-intentioned lie. But she finds out and she is very hurt and upset, and she doubts now that she can trust other things he says, and she doesn't like that feeling. This is not what she wants in a relationship. She wants absolute mutual trust.
But fortunately, she decided ahead of time what she would do if someone lied to her again. She decided that if she was told any big lie, such as her partner was covering up an affair, or drinking and hiding it, or being dishonest with money... that she would end the relationship immediately, with no negotiation. That is her signal to leave now, before it gets worse.
Marjorie decided that she would not tolerate any lying. That was her decision. She has extra strength because she decided it beforehand, when the matter was still theoretical and not personal and emotional. For someone else, they might have a different boundary for lying, and that's okay, too. If their partner never lies, then the boundary never comes up, only if it is needed.
But something that is VERY IMPORTANT TO NOTE:
SHE is the one who has decided her limit, and has taken this important matter out of mutual decision. She knows that others, if they are not honest and respectable, will not make a decision in her best interests. In these cases, she won't let herself be persuaded or manipulated to stay in a relationship that hurts her, because her decision is clear. She knows that for her, she would rather be alone, and would rather give up someone she loves, if they cannot be honest. She knows breaking a relationship with a liar, would in the long run, leave her happier in life. She has taken back her personal power by getting clear on her boundaries, and the consequences of violating them.
Those who draw their own rules and boundaries in a relationship are not hurt as badly as those who do not draw boundaries. If Marjorie does not draw boundaries and is lied by her partner she will think about many options in the relationship and may talk to few friends about what to do. She will operate from weakness. But once she has drawn her boundaries she does not allow anybody to violate them and always remains strong.
The author writes text messages and advises for internet and social networking content like
myspace surveys and myspace graphics. He also writes quizzes on subjects like personality, etc.
Source:www.isnare.com |
