By L. Lowell
Jennifer Blaney is the General Manager for ITEX Corporation, based in Bellevue, Washington. She has a B.S. in Business Administration from the University of Phoenix, and calls Snoqualmie, Washington, home.
We moved to a new house this year, which meant moving our four-year-old son, Alexander, to a new preschool. Alex was so enthusiastic about the move that for weeks before, he kept telling everyone that "today" was his "last day." When the big day did come, and we walked into the new school, Alex immediately took to exploring the room. He barely gave me a kiss goodbye, and one of the teachers remarked on how smoothly that had gone.
I felt rather smug about the whole deal. Reality set in when I picked him up that afternoon. Alex burst into tears as soon as he saw me. The teacher explained that although he had done "fine," but he cried quite a bit. I asked Alex why he was sad. He only said "I don't like school." So much for smug.
Each morning after that, Alex cried and clung to me. I tried to stay with him a little longer, engaging him in a book or a game until I could "slip away." There was no slipping away. Each morning, I would have to pry his fingers off my coat or hand, desperately scanning the room for an adult who would help me. I would leave in tears myself, wondering if I had made a terrible mistake in choosing the school. The final straw came one morning when a teacher offered the following advice, "You should try to leave more quickly." My incredulous reply to that was, "Yes! Let's do that! Now, help me do that."
It took two full weeks of traumatic mornings before Alex finally stopped crying, though it seemed much longer. It has taken me months to figure out what I did wrong. In the end, I know I didn't do anything wrong. It took many small, subtle tricks to make Alex less anxious about preschool, and turn him into someone who looks forward to it. If only I had learned these tricks earlier! The key for us was distraction.
Distract kids from any negatives and re-focus them on the fun, positive aspects of the situation. Call it "school" instead of "daycare" to set the expectation that they go there to learn, that they are becoming a big kid, and they will begin to associate school with fun activities. Begin distracting even before they get to school. Keep them occupied in the car on the way. I let Alex bring his small backpack, full of toys, in the car with him every day. He plays with them on the car ride in, and we chat, giving him little time to worry about being away from home or anything else about school that may cause anxiety.
I initiated a little ritual by talking about which of his toys wave back at him while he is waving goodbye to me out the window of the school. Out of the toys in his backpack, Alex can request one of them to wave goodbye to, instead of having to say goodbye to me. Sometimes I surprise him by holding up a different "friend" to wave. In his curiosity to see who will wave goodbye to him, Alex forgets to be anxious about the day. I can get in and out in less than five minutes each morning.
Adjusting to a big change, like attending daycare for the first time or changing schools, can be traumatic for everyone involved. Remember that you can take the anxiety out of separation anxiety by distracting your children from the negative and re-focus them on the positive. I know it's possible to minimize the drama and turn you kid into one who enjoys his days. I know because yesterday morning, as we decided that Alex was too sick to go to school, my son broke out into tears… because he didn't want to miss a single day.
I'm back to being smug!
As excerpted from "42 Rules (tm) for Working Moms" Super Star Press, 2008.
Laura Lowell is the executive editor and author of "42 Rules for Working Moms." She has gathered practical advice and information from working moms all over the world to share with others. She lives and works in Silicon Valley with her husband and two girls. http://www.42rules.com/working_moms/index
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